Your Dogs
| Published: 14th August 2006 11:42 |
This dog will eat anything
Apple cores and bacon fat,
Milk you poured out for the cat.
He likes the string that ties the roast,
And relishes hot buttered toast.
Hide your chocolates! He's a thief,
He'll even eat your handkerchief.
And if you don't like sudden shocks,
Carefully conceal your socks.
Leave some soup without the lid,
And you'll wish you never did.
You find him gobbling bits of wool,
Orange peel or paper bags,
Dusters and old cleaning rags.
This dog will eat anything.
Except for mushrooms and cucumber.
Now what are wrong with those I wonder?
James Hurley
Some dogs are brown,
Some are golden,
Some are soft
And some are ruff.
Some are big,
I love dogs with
EVERYTHING!
Olivia
Aged 8
Please observe and follow the new rules I have established for this household. I have not determined what the punishment will be for disobedience.
1. The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note: Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
2. The stairway is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me does not help because I can fall faster than you can run.
3. I cannot buy anything larger than a king-sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm. And for the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut before you get in, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years...canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
4. The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's bum. I cannot stress this enough.
5. To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door.
RULES FOR NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:
A - They live here. You don't.
B - If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
(That's why we call it "fur"niture.)
C - I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
D - To you, it's an animal. To me he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and don't need a gazillion pounds for college and if they get pregnant, you can sell the children.
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