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Shocking New Guidelines Require Children To Apply For Santa To Deliver Presents This Christmas

Elf & Safety gone mad?

Under new E.U. Guidelines issued this week, all children wishing to benefit from a visit by Santa this Christmas will be required to fill out an official application form.

Traditional letters to Santa containing a wish-list of toys and games will no longer be sufficient, as risks to the personal safety of Father Christmas, his reindeer and assorted helpers have been identified by Brussels beauracrats.  The Department for Christmas Compliance has also identified a lack of clarity as to how 'good' each child has been and therefore how many gifts they should be allowed to request.

A spokesperson, Ms Ery Gutz, said: "Whilst we would not wish to prevent young persons from receiving the gifts to which they may feel entitled, it is our duty to ensure that the safety of Santa Claus is paramount and that fairness in the distribution of gifts is maintained.

"The sheer scale of the Christmas Eve operation renders it inherently dangerous, and the added complication of chimneys, open fires and differing roof-heights, amongst other things, makes this one of the most hazardous projects that this department has ever had to oversee."

Despite no reports of Santa ever having been injured in the execution of his yuletide duties, failure to comply with the new regulations could see children left gift-less this Christmas. 

However, Ms Gutz's department have drawn up a contingency plan for those who do not complete the form: "Parents who do not wish to enforce their children's compliance can collect free stockings containing three walnuts and a satsuma, from any of our offices between the hours of 6.00am and 7.15am on Sundays between now and Christmas Day."

Download an Application Form for a Santa Visit here.

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