Understanding Children
| Published: 22nd August 2007 15:53 |
Understanding Your Child's Behaviour!
In order to understand why your child is misbehaving it is extremely useful to keep a diary:
- Identify one behaviour that you would like to change. Be as specific as you can e.g. wont do as s/he is told, hitting, demands things, whines. Write the behaviour down.
- When the behaviour occurs, write down what led immediately up to it (triggers) and what happened afterwards (consequences)? Also record how you behave and feel?
- After a week try to see if there is a pattern to the behaviour. When is it occurring (times, situations)? Who is it occurring with? What are the triggers? What are the consequences or "pay-offs" for your child? Often this is related to getting attention, "winding-up", getting their own way ("giving in for a quiet life").
- Ask yourself what is my child learning from the way I respond to the behaviour? Am I setting limits and boundaries consistently ?
Once you have a clear picture you are ready to change the pattern by changing the triggers and consequences. You may have to try and ignore certain behaviour, try not to give in, remove certain privileges, look and sound as if you mean it when asking you child to do something. Most importantly concentrate on encouraging and rewarding good behaviour!
9 Ways To Positively Cope With Difficult Behaviour1. Establish House Rules
Make simple rules for your child. Start with a few "things we do and don't do." Discuss them with your child.
2. Prevention Is Better Than Cure
If you feel that your child's behaviour is beginning to get out of control, "nip it in the bud" by distracting your child's attention onto a positive activity or game.
3. Understand Your Child's Behaviour
Define simply and clearly any difficult behaviour. Keep a diary of what led up to the behaviour and what immediately followed it. From this, see if there is a pattern. What are the triggers and consequences which might be keeping the behaviour going? What are the "pay-offs" to your child - are you giving the behaviour a lot of attention and "giving in for a quiet life"? DON'T blame yourself but work at changing your responses.
4. Discipline With Short Time-Outs
Try to view discipline in a different way e.g. if a rule is broken, discipline with a time out a short, quiet time alone, without play. Alternatively ignore minor behaviour difficulties as your attention will often inadvertently encourage the very behaviour you want to stop.
5. Take Five
When tensions and anger rise in you or your child take five. Take five minutes to cool down and to ask yourself, "Why am I getting so angry?" Try to identify the real problem, then find the solution.
6. Never Strike In Anger
Research has shown that hitting your child does not help, and can do more damage. Try to avoid striking your child in anger. Smacking is not effective in reducing poor behaviour, as it does not teach children good behaviour.
7. No Yelling Allowed
Words hurt, too. Try to avoid yelling at your children in anger. Do not put down your children. If they break a rule, tell them what they did wrong and why that makes you angry. Be angry at what they did, NOT at who they are.
8. Get Away
When you feel frustrated, angry or overwhelmed, let your feelings out safely away from your children. Call a friend over or leave your children with someone trustworthy. Get out. Exercise. Do not stay alone with your children when you are overwhelmed. Get help and support.
9. Call The Helpline (UK Only)
If things are getting on top of you call Parentline (01703 694013) or the FREE NSPCC Helpline (0800 800500) for practical advice and support. They will always offer a listening ear.
1. Be There
Let your child talk. What was their day like? Ask, "How did that make you feel?" Allow your child to openly express ideas, feelings and worries. Listen. Do not lecture. Be available. Encourage your child to express feelings creatively by keeping a diary or drawing
2. Be Consistent
Establish a reliable routine. A clear and consistent routine helps a child feel safe and secure. Clear-cut rules help a child learn what is right and wrong. Be consistent!
3. Let Your "No" Be No
If you say "no" to your child, make sure you both understand what that means and keep to the rule. Then act quickly (seconds), firmly and safely when it is challenged. Carry out any threatened punishment. Do not yell. Your child wants to know that your "no" means no.
4. No Secrets
Tell your child it is never good to keep a secret that feels bad or confusing.
5 Ways To Look After Yourself Etc.
1. Take A Stress Check
Make an agreement with a close friend to check your stress levels regularly. Agree to watch each other's children when you need a break.
2. Say "Yes" To No
Give your children permission to say "no" to anyone who asks them to do something they know or feel is wrong. Teach them to say "no" firmly and loudly, then to go tell another adult.
3. Private Time
Give your children a place to be alone and call their own. Respect their privacy, particularly their physical privacy.
4. Teach Respect
Teach your children to respect the rights, bodies and properties of other people.
5. Ask Yourself
Take an honest look in the mirror and ask yourself: Are you in constant battle with your kids? Do you find yourself wanting to hit your children? Do you think your children are "winding you up" to spite you? If so, talk with someone before these feelings get the better of you. Call a friend or relative and/or seek professional help from Social Services, the NSPCC or your GP. Help is available so use it! Positively you are showing that you care about the relationship with your child.
1. Show That You Care
Say "I love you" and "You're important and special to me." Praise talents. Don't use sarcasm or kidding to point out weaknesses. Be positive and encouraging. Reward good behaviour and have FUN- these POSITIVE parenting strategies are the most effective in teaching children to be well behaved! Never ignore good behaviour as there is then no incentive for your child to repeat it.
2. A Hug A Day
Kids need to feel your affection through positive physical touch by hand holding, an arm around the shoulder or a simple hug.
3. Quality Time Is Quantity Time
Caring and being close is about making time so do more with your child. Spend more time doing things your child enjoys. Turn off the television.
Do activities as a family.
4. Take Their Place
Put yourself in your child's place and ask:
"Is what I've said or done building my child up or putting my child down?"
"Is what I've said or done really for my needs or the needs of my child?"
5. Go With Your Gut Feeling
If someone or something makes you feel uncomfortable, go with your gut feeling. Teach your children to trust their instincts too, by listening to them and respecting what they feel.
6. Reward And Reward Again
Encourage good behaviour by rewarding it as soon as possible after it has occurred. Reward frequently and in small amounts. The most effective reward is your time and positive attention. Praise, smile and say why you are pleased. For very good behaviour use treats such as sweets and going to the park. To provide an incentive, a reward should be earned rather than just given.
courtesy of practicalparent.org.uk
