The Best Guide for the LS7 Area

One Way to a Stress Free Holiday Time

Peace doesn't require two people; it requires only one. It has to be you. The problem begins and ends there. Byron Katie

As we approach the holiday season Byron Katie is much on my mind. Katie is an amazing woman who exposes the pain behind unexamined assumptions, beliefs and thoughts. She has found that it isn't the world around us that causes the pain, it's our thoughts about the world and how it should be different from how it actually is. She has developed a way of working with these thoughts that takes away their power to cause frustration, anxiety and emotional suffering.

And for most of us the holidays can bring up some of those feelings. With all its opportunities to spend time with people we love it is easy to fall into habitual patterns of thought and behaviour. Recognise some of these?

Why does Aunty insist on buying you clothes that don't suit you? When will your partner realise that you need help? Why won't the children keep their stuff in one place? Will your mother ever treat you as a competent adult?
These thoughts can create stress, both in the run up to the event, in the moment it happens and afterwards as you replay the encounter in your head. Many of us also replay numerous previous holiday encounters just to rub it in! Since most people I know would like less stress in their lives I thought a brief introduction to The Work might be of use right now.

Here's a very brief introduction to Katie's 3 step process:

Step 1 is to judge that other person by writing down answers to a series of questions about how you think about them. Katie actively encourages you to be completely honest, not censoring what you think. After all it's just for you, not for public consumption.

Questions like: What is it that they should or shouldn't do, be, think, or feel? What advice could you offer?

Here's an answer from someone I worked with recently: My mother should recognise that I'm not the same as her, that I'm quite happy with an untidy house. She should keep her judgements to herself. This is in spite of the fact that his mother has been saying this for over 20 years and shown no sign of changing so far.

Arguing with reality is like trying to teach a cat to bark - hopeless. Byron Katie

Step 2 is to ask The Four Questions

1. Is it true? Yes or No. He answered YES

2. Can you absolutely know that it's true? Katie encourages us to explore whether what we want is realistic. In this case it's highly unlikely that his mum's going to change. At this point he realised that it's probably not true, changing the answer to NO.

3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought? Every time she comes to visit he works himself up imagining what she will say, then fumes for hours afterwards. He's also cold towards her and doesn't listen to what she's saying.

4. Who would you be without the thought? He decided that without it he could just see his mum as concerned for him, stay mildly amused by her, allow her to be herself and him to be himself. Then he could listen to her without judgement.

Step 3 - Turn the thought around (original thought: She should keep her judgements to herself.)
a) to the opposite - Mum often does keep her judgements to herself.
b) to the self - I often judge myself even more harshly than she does.
c) to the other - I don't keep my judgements about her to myself.

and find three specific, genuine examples of how each turnaround is true in your life. For example in exploring I often judge myself even more harshly than she does he realised that he often tells himself off for being untidy, thinks that some of his friends don't like his home and assumes that he'll never live with anyone because of it. He most certainly does to himself what he wants his mother to stop doing.

The magic of this questioning technique is its simplicity. The most powerful question is that very first one Is that true? Is it true that Aunty shouldn't insist on buying you clothes that don't suit you when you've always smiled and said thank you? Or that your partner should realise that you need help when you don't actually ask until you get to snapping point? Or that the children keep their stuff in one place when yours is all over the house? Or that your mother should treat you as a competent adult when you treat her as though she's just an old fuss pot?

If you do nothing else different in the next few weeks simply try using that question and see where it takes you. AND if you think you don't have time to do this just think how much time and stress you may be able to save yourself - and others around you when you step off the hamster wheel of thoughts that go round, and round, and round . . . .

The Work is easy to do on your own, especially if you watch some of the great video clips of Katie doing The Work with people like us. She provides all the resources you need as free downloads, including a shortened version of her book Loving What Is. Have a look here http://www.thework.com/index.php

I discovered that when I believed my thoughts, I suffered, but that when I didn't believe them, I didn't suffer, and that this is true for every human being. Freedom is as simple as that. I found that suffering is optional. I found a joy within me that has never disappeared, not for a single moment. That joy is in everyone, always. Byron Katie

Report this article as inappropriate

Comments

You need to log in before you can do that! It's only a quick registration process to join the AMA network and completely free.