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Christmas jokes
| Published: 6th December 2012 11:20 |
Christmas jokes
It's a cracker - do jokes come any worse?
Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a Christmas bell!
Just take these pills and if they don't work, give me a ring!
Nurse! I want to operate. Take this patient to the theatre.
Ooh! Good! I love a nice pantomime at Christmas!
Doctor, Doctor, Father Christmas gives us oranges every Christmas. Now I think I'm turning into an orange!
Have you tried playing squash?
Father Christmas: Doctor, Doctor I feel so unfit
Doctor: You need to go to an elf farm
Doctor, Doctor, with all the excitement of Christmas I can't sleep.
Try lying on the edge of your bed...you'll soon drop off!
Doctor, Doctor, I'm scared of Father Christmas
Doctor: You're suffering from Claus-trophobia.
My problem is that I keep stealing things when I go Christmas shopping. Can you give me something for it!
Doctor: Try this medicine... and if it doesn't work come back and bring me a new video camera.
Scrooge jokes
Someone bought Scrooge a clock for Christmas. He put it straight in the bank.
Why did he do that?
He was trying to save time!
What's Scrooge's favourite Christmas game?
Mean-opoly.
Scrooge broke his clock, he punched and then stamped on it.
Why did he do that?
He said it was self-defence. He said the clock struck first!
Teacher: If I have 20p and ask Scrooge for another 30p how much will I have?
Pupil: Please, miss, 20p!
Teacher: You don't know your arithmetic.
Pupil: Please, miss, you don't know Scrooge!
Scrooge: Are you superstitious?'
‘Not at all,' came the reply.
‘Good,' Scrooge said. ‘Then will you lend me £13 please?'
Christmas presents
Can I have a wombat for Christmas?
What would you do with a wombat?
Play wom, of course, stupid!
Can I have a broken drum for Christmas?
The best thing you could have asked for. You can't beat it!
Can I have a puppy for Christmas?
Certainly not. You can have turkey like everybody else!
Santa's Letters
Dear Father Christmas, could you please send me a musical instrument?
Father Christmas: That's easy, we'll send him a cast-a-net.
Dear Father Christmas, could you please send me some Crocodile shoes!
Father Christmas: Can't do that one. He hasn't said what size his crocodile takes!
Dear Father Christmas, I am nearly bald. This Christmas could you please send me something to keep my hair in?
Father Christmas: Send him a paper bag and a comb; I'll bet he never parts with it!
More present jokes
Woman: Have you something for my husband? He has flat feet.
Assistant: Why not buy him a foot pump?
Woman: And he suffers from water on the knee.
Assistant: So buy him some drainpipe trousers!
Woman: What would you give to the man who has everything?
Assistant: Penicillin?
Woman: He'd really like a tie to match his eyes.
Assistant: Blue, brown, green or grey?
Woman: You don't do bloodshot I suppose?
Man: That train set looks fantastic. I'll take one.
Assistant: I'm sure your son will love it, Sir!
Man: (sighs) Oh, yes... I suppose he would. You'd better give me two, then.
Did you like the parrot I bought you darling? It sings, dances, tells
jokes and recites poetry. What did you think of it?
Well to be honest, it was a bit tough, but the stuffing was nice.
Man: Actually she wanted something with diamonds but I only have two pounds.
Assistant: So, buy her a pack of cards.
Man: My wife would like an unusual watch.
Assistant: Certainly, Sir. This one has insects in place of numbers.
Man: So how do you tell the time?
Assistant: Easy. Look! It's just coming up to fly past flea.
Man: I'd like a magician's set for my son.
Assistant: Is he a beginner?
Man: No! He's been practising the sawing-people-in-half trick for years.
Assistant: Is he an only child?
Man: No, No! He has a lot of half-brothers and sisters.
Man: Do you have a pink car for my daughter?
Assistant: Sorry, Sir, we're all sold out. It seems everyone in the country has bought a pink car this week.
Man: You realise what this means?
Assistant: Yes, sir. We're slowly turning into a pink car-nation.
Woman: Excuse me, do you have a kitten for my little girl?
Assistant: Sorry, madam, we don't do swaps.
Woman: I mean, have you got any kittens going cheap?
Assistant: Certainly not! They all go miaow!
Snow joke!
What happened when the snowgirl fell out with the snowboy?
She gave him the cold shoulder!
What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps!
What do snowmen eat for lunch?
Icebergers!
Where do snowmen go to dance?
Snowballs!
How do snowmen travel around?
By icicle!
Why don't polar bears eat the penguins?
Because they can't get the paper off!
What do you get if you cross a snowman and a shark?
Frost bite!
What bird gasps and pants at the North Pole?
A puffin.
What do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimoo!
How do you get milk from a polar bear?
Rob its fridge and run like mad.
I'll bet you can't tell me where my mother comes from!
Alaska!
That's cheating!
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